12 Funny White Elephant Gifts for Work, Ranked by How Often They Get Stolen
Engineer Who Has Not Made A Joke At Work Since 2020 Told His White Elephant Gift Must Be Funny
Sam, Chief of Staff and Keeper of the Calendar, has been worried about the vibes. The October pulse survey scored morale at 4 out of 10, and the free-text box said "fine" 31 times.
"When was the last time anyone laughed in this office?" Sam asked the leadership team. Nobody could remember. Someone suggested the time the CEO forgot to unmute in 2022.
So on Monday at 9:02am the white elephant invite went out with one new rule, in bold: the gift has to be funny. Underneath it, as a warning, was last year's haul: 14 boxes of chocolates, 6 gift cards and a candle that said "vanilla".
Josh, Senior Software Engineer (camera off since 2021), had already bought a box of chocolates. It was on his desk. It was the good kind.
Josh has not tried to be funny at work since a pun in a commit message in 2020. Nobody reacted, not even with an emoji. He now had four days to be funny in front of 25 people, one of them the CEO.
On Tuesday he searched "funny gift for work" and found a mug that said "But first, coffee". Sam had already sent a follow-up email banning mugs.
On Wednesday he ate the chocolates.
On Thursday he found this list.
The gifts
Ranked by how many times we expect each one to be stolen in a room of twenty. The ranking is a guess. The room will prove us wrong. None of these are tied to a job title, so if one is right for someone you know, buy it for them and skip the game.
12. Emotional Support Traffic Cone
Predicted steals: 0
Two inches tall, 3D-printed, with arms and legs. It gets opened first, admired, and never stolen, because stealing it means giving back something better. Whoever ends up with it keeps it on their monitor for three years.
Source: TeeVerse3D on Etsy
11. Spreadsheet Shortcut Mug
Predicted steals: 1
A mug printed with the Excel and Google Sheets shortcuts. Someone from Finance steals it once, quietly, then uses it every day, which is the opposite of what a white elephant gift is for.
Source: The Olive Branch BoutiqueShips to: US
10. Funny Sticky Notes Set
Predicted steals: 2
Four pads, including "Hang in there. It gets worse." Useful enough that someone takes it, cheap enough that nobody takes it twice.
Source: OopsAllPaper on EtsyShips to: US, UK, AU
9. Other People's Problems I Have to Solve Journal
Predicted steals: 2
A hardcover notebook with the job description on the cover. One steal from whoever actually solves other people's problems, and one from whoever thinks they do.
Source: AquaCustomDesign on EtsyShips to: US
8. Drama Llama
Predicted steals: 3
A three-inch 3D-printed llama that sits on a desk and judges. It travels round the room and lands with whoever has the most dramatic desk. There are multipacks if the whole team needs one.
Source: TheCreepyCoolKids on EtsyShips to: US, UK, AU
7. Sweary Affirmation Desk Flip Chart
Predicted steals: 4
Fifty-two weeks, one profane affirmation per week, on a desk stand. It gets read aloud every time it changes hands, which is why it changes hands.
Source: allthingsnicegifting on EtsyShips to: US, UK, AU
6. Caution: Overstimulated, Do Not Approach Sign
Predicted steals: 4
A six-inch yellow wet-floor sign for a person. The first steal happens before the wrapping paper reaches the floor.
Source: JLBmarket on EtsyShips to: US
5. Daily Affirmations for the Unwell Corporate Worker
Predicted steals: 4
Sixty pages for people who are fine, thanks for asking. Small enough to steal under a jumper. This one is ours, and the number is still a guess.
Source: The Corporate Copium Press, on AmazonShips to: wherever Amazon does
4. Office Jargon Poetry Magnets
Predicted steals: 4
Two hundred and forty fridge magnets of pure buzzword. By the end of the party someone has written "circle back to the synergy" on the office fridge and someone else has taken the rest home.
Source: LittleMagnetCo on EtsyShips to: US, AU
3. One More Fire To Put Out Candle
Predicted steals: 4
A candle for whoever puts out the fires. Candles always get stolen, and this one gets stolen by people who know exactly who should have it.
Source: WisdomHouseCo on EtsyShips to: US, UK, AU
2. Middle Finger Trophy
Predicted steals: 5
A gold 3D-printed award of a hand doing the thing. Employee of the Month, unofficial category. Every department steals it once.
Source: DebsGemz on EtsyShips to: US, UK, AU
1. Dumpster Fire Zen Garden
Predicted steals: 6
A miniature sand garden with a tiny dumpster on fire and a small rake. You rake it calmly. Everyone wants it. Frozen at three steals by 4:20pm and discussed until February.
Source: UglaForge on EtsyShips to: US
