Meme Gifts for Friends Who Work in Corporate
Project Manager Needing Sign-Off From Five Departments By January Buys Them All Christmas Gifts, Calls It 'Stakeholder Management'
Olivia, Senior Project Manager, has confirmed she will buy Christmas gifts for five departments this year, in what she calls "the final phase of stakeholder engagement".
Her project goes live on 15 January. It needs one sign-off each from IT, consulting, finance, legal and marketing. She has been asking for them since September.
"IT has been looking into it since October," Olivia said. "Consulting said they'd circle back. Finance approved it, pending another approval. Legal said it's with legal. Marketing will sign off once the logo is bigger."
As of Monday she had sent 23 follow-ups. The most recent one began "Just bubbling this back up", which she describes as the lowest point of her career.
Olivia accepts there is no evidence a gift will change anything. "Nobody has ever signed off a contract because of a Christmas gift," she said. "I know that. I'm doing it anyway."
Her manager supports the plan, and has asked her to capture it as a lesson learned.
Her shortlist, sorted by department, is below. At the time of writing, legal had confirmed receipt of it, and said it was with legal.
The gifts
Sorted by department. Every joke is about the job, so it works even if you only know them from the lift. If someone has changed departments twice, buy from both.
For tech
Excuses for Demo Day
Every excuse for the demo that worked ten minutes ago, in one small book. They will read it on the train and laugh at the bits you will never understand. Full disclosure: we publish this one.
Source: The Corporate Copium Press, on AmazonShips to: wherever Amazon does
"Did You Open a Ticket?" Desk Sign
The four words every tech worker has said to a person standing at their desk. Now it says them for them.
Source: MooreFamilyPrintShop on EtsyShips to: US, UK, AU
Help Desk Price List Sign
A tiny yellow sign with a price list: answer, thoughtful answer, correct answer, and sarcasm, which is free. Prices in pounds, which makes it funnier everywhere else.
Source: Boxer GiftsShips to: US, UK, AU
OFF BY ONE Cap
An embroidered cap named after the most common bug in programming. They will explain it to you whether you ask or not.
Source: SolidMotifs on EtsyShips to: US, UK, AU
There's No Place Like 127.0.0.1 Doormat
127.0.0.1 is what a computer calls home. You do not need to understand it. They will explain it to every guest, which is the gift.
Source: WowMats on EtsyShips to: US
For consulting
Sh!t Consultants Say Unironically
Every phrase they have said at brunch this year, collected and illustrated. Read one aloud next time they say "let's take it offline" about the bill. We publish this one too.
Source: The Corporate Copium Press, on AmazonShips to: wherever Amazon does
That Meeting Could Have Been an Email Pin
An enamel pin with a skull under the most shared sentence in corporate life. They can wear it to the meeting.
Source: turnonred on EtsyShips to: US, UK, AU
Gold Star Trophy
A custom gold star on a little stand. Have it say "Didn't Cry at Work", which in their industry is a real achievement and should be recognised.
Source: CozyHome3DPrints on EtsyShips to: US, UK
Mini Flip Table
A tiny desk table that says FLIP WHEN MAD. For the moment the client asks for "just one more option". It flips back afterwards. They will not.
Source: mpidzn on EtsyShips to: US
Chaos Coordinator Desk Sign
A wooden desk plate with the most accurate job title they have ever had. It looks expensive, so it can sit in a client office without anyone noticing.
Source: Boxer GiftsShips to: US, UK, AU
Bullshit Button
Press it and it says the word everyone was thinking during the steering committee. Keep it off camera.
Source: MenkindShips to: UK
For finance
Accountant Pen Pack
Five pens with accounting puns, including "It's accrual world" and "Be audit you can be". Every one of them gets a laugh in a finance team and nowhere else.
Source: ChampionCustomsShop on EtsyShips to: US
Bull or Bear Statue
A low-poly bull or bear for the desk, depending on how their year went. Buy the bear if they have been saying "it's a bit of a cycle".
Source: KartzyStudio on EtsyShips to: US
Buy, Sell, Hold Dice
One gold die, three faces: buy, sell and hold. It comes in a leather cup, so they can roll it with the same confidence they use for everything else.
Source: WeAreTraders on EtsyShips to: US, UK, AU
Smells Like Finance Bro Candle
A soy candle with a confident label and an unspecified scent. We like to think it is vest, cold brew and a little bit of leverage.
Source: StarryNightsCandleCo on EtsyShips to: US
Finance Bro Buff Dog Mug
The buff dog is them. The small sad dog is every other finance bro. They will agree with this completely, which is what makes it funny.
Source: SizzlesSuperStore on EtsyShips to: US, UK, AU
Shareholder Value Cap
"Passionate about creating shareholder value", embroidered in small serious letters. The kind of hat you could wear to a board meeting, and some people will.
Source: EvilwaterOriginals on EtsyShips to: US, UK, AU
For legal
Attorney-Client Privileged Stamp
A real self-inking office stamp. They will use it on the work. They will also use it on the group chat screenshot, the birthday card and the takeaway menu.
Source: AcornSalesCo on EtsyShips to: US
Scales and Gavel Socks
Navy socks covered in tiny scales and gavels, with a wrap that says "I am billing you for this conversation". Socks are the only part of a lawyer's outfit they are allowed to have fun with.
Source: doodlebead on EtsyShips to: US, UK, AU
You Have Been Served Coasters
Engraved coasters that say YOU HAVE BEEN SERVED, with their name and "Esq." underneath. Every drink becomes a small legal event.
Source: SicilianElegance on EtsyShips to: US
Smells Like Billable Hours Candle
A candle for someone who measures their life in six-minute increments. It burns for about fifty hours, which they will try to bill.
Source: DogsAndRosesCo on EtsyShips to: US
Additional Billable Thought Memo Pad
A memo pad headed "This requires additional billable thought." Even their shopping list is on the clock now.
Source: BRIEFLYLEGAL on EtsyShips to: US, UK, AU
"Allegedly" Mug
One word, in quotation marks, in typewriter font. The word they add to every story, including the ones about brunch.
Source: OtterTags on EtsyShips to: US, UK, AU
For marketing
Seal of Approval Stamp
A self-inking stamp of a small cartoon seal. For signing off the twelfth round of creative, or for when they cannot face another round of feedback.
Source: SniggleSlothCrafts on EtsyShips to: US
One Like Enamel Pin
A notification badge with one like on it. Every campaign they have ever launched, as jewellery.
Source: StickeropolisWorld on EtsyShips to: US
Hot Take Sticky Notes
A pad of sticky notes headed HOT TAKE, with boxes for "take it" and "leave it". They have about forty hot takes a day, so this should last until lunch.
Source: Knock KnockShips to: US
Too Busy, Ask ChatGPT Desk Sign
A tiny yellow warning sign for the desk. It tells people to go and ask the chatbot, which is where most of the copy comes from now anyway.
Source: Boxer GiftsShips to: US, UK, AU
The Algorithm Can't Find Me Here Journal
A journal for someone who spends all day trying to please the algorithm. The one place they can write something nobody will measure.
Source: MincingMockingbird on EtsyShips to: US, UK, AU
Creative Genius Star Trophy
A gold star trophy with a custom plate. Have it engraved "Creative Genius", because nobody else in their building is going to say it.
Source: OpaaGifts on EtsyShips to: US, UK, AU
For anyone generally unwell
Daily Affirmations for the Unwell Corporate Worker
Sixty affirmations for people who are fine, thanks for asking. For the friend whose industry you cannot remember, because the job is not the point. We publish this one as well.
Source: The Corporate Copium Press, on AmazonShips to: wherever Amazon does
Disappointed Sigh Button
Four buttons, four sighs, including "end of the world sigh". It saves them the effort of sighing at work, which they have been doing since 9:15am.
Source: Off the WagonShips to: US
You Good? Note Pad
A check-in note with tick boxes, from "how are you, like, for reals?" to "junk food would help". Fill one in and slip it under their laptop.
Source: Knock KnockShips to: US
Two Weeks Notice Candle
Coconut and cocoa butter, which is what freedom smells like. For the friend who mentions resigning every Friday and is still there every Monday.
Source: SweetHustleCandle on EtsyShips to: US
